You kids are absolutely disgusting—you and all your body piercing—absolutely disgusting. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw someone with their naval pierced, and then their tongue, and now it’s everywhere. I saw someone just the other day with a piercing in their neck! How do they even do that? Wait don’t tell me…I don’t want to know.

Finally, however, I have seen a piercing that is at least tasteful, and I have agreed to advertise it here. I hope beyond hope if you have to pierce something you will consider this: fingernail piercing. It’s just a harmless, innocent place to put a piercing. I bet it doesn’t even hurt. And it makes your nails look so pretty.

I don’t recommend doing this, but I imaging you could even do yourself with a standard whole puncher. Just make sure the nails at least twelve inches long—that way if you mess up, you can just file it down a bit and try again.