The Library Tree: A Modern Folktale - Recently Updated Pages

The Library Tree: A Modern Folktale Home

ScottDouglas — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 13:44:58 CDT

Welcome to the homepage for the Wiki book "The Library Tree: A Modern Folktale." You may read the the book below, but only registered members to this page can contribute. To become a register member just sign up! It's free, and it makes sure people are at least sort of accountable for the changes they make.

This is meant for people to have fun, so do just that. The only thing I discourage from is pornography, so no weird sex scenes! Your welcome to do that on your own page, but I'm doing my best to keep things with my name attached out of that genre.

The text of this book is licensed under the Creative Commons, which means do whatever you want, but you can never sell it for profit.

The Anti-Folktale

ScottDouglas — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:38:55 CDT

Share some of your favorite distrubing folktales here!

Blog

ScottDouglas — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:34:10 CDT

Commercial Breaks

ScottDouglas — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:30:43 CDT

Your Favorite Folktale

ScottDouglas — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:15:32 CDT

Add your favorite folktale to the table below, and use the threads to talk about why.

Media

ScottDouglas — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:46:30 CDT

The Library Tree is embedded with weird commercials. Commercials are an American past time, so why shouldn't they be in books? Upload or link to your favorite commercials on commercial page!

Deleted Scenes

ScottDouglas — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:44:19 CDT

"The Library Tree" has one deleted scene. Use this space to write a couple more.

Your Tale

ScottDouglas — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:41:00 CDT

Tell a folktale of your own in this space

What Is a Folktale?

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 22:11:29 CDT

Folktale (noun) :

1.	a tale or legend originating and traditional among a people or folk, esp. one forming part of the oral tradition of the common people.

2.	any belief or story passed on traditionally, esp. one considered to be false or based on superstition.

History
The concept of folklore developed as part of the 19th century ideology of romantic nationalism, leading to the reshaping of oral traditions to serve modern ideological goals; only in the 20th century did ethographers begin to attempt to record folklore without overt political goals.

The term was coined in 1846 by an Englishman, William Thoms, who wanted to use an Anglo-Saxon term for what was then called "popular antiquities." Johann Gottfried von Herder first advocated the deliberate recording and preservation of folklore to document the authentic spirit, tradition, and identity of the German people; the belief that there can be such authenticity is one of the tenets of the romantic nationalism which Herder developed.

This is just a start, so feel free to add as much or as little to it as you like. Let's keep it somewhat serious.

The Library Tree

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 20:30:26 CDT

The Library Tree:

A Modern Folktale

Author Biography

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 20:29:33 CDT

I was born, raised, and currently reside in Anaheim, California. I have never worked for the Disney Corporation, but I have worked at Disneyland, and have seen several of the women (yes, women) who play Mickey Mouse smoke cigarettes in the back lot. I have been published in several magazines and journals. I write a sometimes regular blog/dispatch on McSweeneys.net called “Dispatches from a Public Librarian” and regularly contribute to the Door Magazine. My first book, a humor memoir, was just released by Da Capo (It's called Quiet, Please: Dispatches from a Public Librarian). I hold a double BA in English Literature and Comparative Religion from the California State University of Fullerton and a Masters in Library and Information Science from San Jose State. I have taken graduate writing classes from Kenyon University, UCLA, and CSUF. When I’m not writing, I work for the Anaheim as a public librarian—my job duties include, but are not limited to, refunding money lost in the vending machine, throwing out books, ordering DVDs, fixing computers, and, on very rare occasions, recommending books. My favorite authors are Mark Twain, Flannery O’Connor, and David Sedaris. I have a muse; her name is Diana. She officially became my wife/muse in March.

Create Your Own Bio of the Author

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:59:24 CDT

“Your thinking of the other Scott Douglas.”
~ Scott Douglas (the singer) on on being Scott Douglas

“If all white people where that cool, I don't think I'd want to be black anymore.”
~ Dred Scott

“She really liked his writing I guess.”
~ Orson Scott Card on on where the Scott came from in his middle name

“Isn't it cool how his last name could also be someone's first name?”
~ Ricky Bobby on on how cool it is to have someone's first name as a last name

“Yeah I kissed him. But haven't we all? ”
~ Mark Twain on on that one night in Tokoyo.

Scott Douglas (????) is a librarian in California. The author of the McSweeney's Internet Tendency column, "Dispatches from a Public Librarian", Douglas is widely hailed as the greatest librarian since Casanova thanks to his numerous contributions to the profession (namely the term "referbored" and a general sexy quality). He is not related to the former singer of White Heart, who was convicted of sex related crimes and sentenced to 15 years in prison (see Scott Douglas (Singer)).

He was at one point the cause of a rather mysterious phenomenon in his hometown, the likes of which had never been recorded, nor have they since. Merely by showing up for work one day, the particular combination of the musty, rich scent of the books that perpetually lingers around him, a particularly flattering outfit, and the incidental raising of one eyebrow caused every woman within a fourteen-mile radius to spontaneously orgasm. Such is the power of the librarian.

It is rumored that Douglas dates several celebrities, possibly at the same time. In 2006 alone, he has been romantically link by gossip magazines to such celebrities as: Dustin Diamond (aka, Screech from Saved by the Bell), Dakota Fanning, Kristen Dalton, Jennifer Connelly, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Kelly Hu, Anna Paquin, Joan Allen, Condoleezza Rice, and Scott Bakula.

He's devastatingly handsome and charming known in several circles for his sharp wit and knowledge of cheeses.

He lives in a house constructed entirely out of playing cards, crushed diet coke cans, and super glue. He makes all of his own clothes by hand. His bed sheets are made out of foreign currency.

He is also an avid surfer, and eats kittens.

Early Years

As noted by the question marks above, Scott Douglas was never actually born. Instead he is mutated orange "goop" that was left on a dead tree. (Later it was discovered the orange goop was actually partially digested Tang.) When Scott's humanoid form was discovered, he was taken in as a part of the family.

After spending his first few years of life in a sealed bubble, it was revealed that he had been erroneously diagnosed with a serious immune-system disorder, due to a mix up in the paper files (remember, this was the 60s!) relating to his birth. This traumatic incident has shaped his life ever since, giving him an overwhelming urge to break free of any boundaries placed upon him, social, cultural, emotional and even physical.

Scott's adoptive father was the ruthless French dictator-turned-alchemist, Inspecteur du Gadget. His autobiography, Allez, Allez, Coptère du Gadget describes the young Scott as "a piece of work... Over ten feet tall, capable of turning urine into wine, breathing fire, speaking in tongues, wearing white shoes after Labor Day, and blessed with the magic ability to change a light bulb from wherever he wants to at any given moment[1]." Scott's mother, Nicole Kidman[2], was a charismatic dot-commer whose cold, fundamentalist motto was "it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing." But perhaps the greatest influence in young Scott's life was his godfather (with whom his mother was cheating on his father): the King of Prussia, who was then known as a symbol pronounced "The Frederick William Formerly Known as William Frederick." Unfortunately, all record of the erudition the King passed on to young Scott has been lost, thanks to the overzealous cleaning habits of the ex-Mrs. Frederick William.

By the age of five, he had developed an unsettling fascination with libraries, to such an extent that he was trading stolen cards from the card catalogue (remember, this was five years after sometime in the 60s!) with hapless baseball card collectors and the mentally ill. This was Douglas's first taste of a life of crime, a taste that would prove too yummy to resist.

When he was a young boy on the family farm in Lancaster, he refused to accept the humble role of an Amish boy. Instead, he routinely ran away to appear on Star Search in a delightful tapdancing-and-baton-twirling act under a false identity. He never won, probably because of his precocious sense of style, which was influenced by Heart_(band). As stated above, he is a Magic_Man.

Sex Tape Scandal

In 2005, several trade journals reported a sex tape had surfaced that showed Douglas engaging in sexual activity with Beatrice Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanahan, Estelle Getty (aka, The Golden Girls). Douglas later said of the incident that “he was bored, they were lonely,” and that they were actually, “quite hot in that old lady, saggy breast, sort of way.”

Space Piratism

Scott Douglas is perhaps best known for his contributions to the world of Intergalactic Space Piracy. Although not a founding member of the Brotherhood of Space Pirates, Douglas is, however, responsible for many of the Brotherhood’s more newsworthy heists. The destruction of the US KH-9 Spy Satellite, the capture and boarding of the Gemini III and the subsequent Space-keelhauling of Virgil Ivan “Gus” Grissom were all masterminded by the fearless Douglas.

He is often accompanied on his raids by a space robot sidekick, whose identity is yet to be confirmed.

The White Dragon

In the 1930s, Douglas became locally famous among the sherpa guides of the Himalayas for climbing Mt.Everest without any oxygen equipment and finding, growing on a lonely precipice, a rare and exotic flower known as "The White Dragon." The Dragon, as it called by aficianados, has no scientific classification because the flower has only been seen twice. Aside from Douglas' discovery in 1935, the white, many-petaled perennial was reportedly seen by English explorer Sir Richard Burton during a vision quest near Tora Bora, Afghanistan.

According to the oral statements of several sherpas, Douglas returned to his base camp with a bloom of the Dragon tucked behind his right ear. His eyes apparently glowed with a green hue and he seemed to be locked in a trance. Immediately after reaching his tent, the sherpas say, Douglas collapsed into his bed and fell into a deep slumber for two weeks. During that time the Dragon blossom seems to have either wilted or been stolen. No one has seen the flower since, and Douglas has no recollection of the discovery, nor of his trip to the Himalayas in the 1930s.

Formula One Racing

Scott Douglas is an ex-Formula One driver, and Fifty Six-time world champion. According to the official Formula One web site, he is the most successful Formula One driver in history.

Douglas currently holds every record in Formula One, including those for style, most consecutive barrel rolls, most impressive hair, and most races won in a single season.
In 2001 Douglas was awarded the Presidential Driving License by President George Washington (thanks to his success in the area of Time Travel) which allowed Douglas immunity from all US motor vehicle laws and 80% off all purchases, both public and private, made in the Continental United States. He is also noted as the only man without a functioning liver to have received this award. Douglas was still an able candidate because his body secretes bile and performs the liver's other usual functions by sheer force of will alone.

Douglas & Harry Potter

Douglas is also known for being one of the first and most enthusiastic supporters of Harry Potter, which he references frequently in his dispatches. Some claim that his recommendations of the book to nearly every patron that visited his library, which he continues to this day, is one of the principal contributing factors in making the series so widely popular. He was recently awarded a 'number one fan' award personally by J. K. Rowling, and hopes to publish his extensive works of fan fiction within the coming months.

The Hemingway Connection

Douglas and Ernest Hemingway reunited the broken pieces of the Masamune and defeated Lavos the Devourer of Time in the epic battle of 1999,

Film Adaptations

It is rumored that Douglas will be portrayed by Heath Ledger in an upcoming film adaptation of the Dispatches.

Later Life

Scott's life today is divided between the British Royal Court Library and a existence in Tijuana as a street sandwich maker, where he was rewarded last year for groundbreaking sandwich making, getting accolades and recognition from the chief sandwich judge, Ruben de Mayo. Interestingly, his most well-known work in sandwich-making has never been introduced to the English population and Royal Court officials calls his craft a "load of old bollocks".

In addition to his illustrious sandwich-making and book-shelving careers, Douglas has chosen to use his fame for the greater good, contributing time, money, and - of course - a famous name to such causes as Sandwiches Across Detriot (SAD) and People Against Book Spine Torture (PABST). In 2005, he was awarded the illustrious Blue Ribbon for his singular work in the preservation of pulp fiction materials.

Additionally, Scott Douglas has been known to derive great and terrible powers from his near-constant exposure to both idiocy and computer monitors. These powers allow him to fly, very slowly, about 3 feet off of the ground, once a month, for about 15 seconds. To date, he has saved a childs kite from a tree, then heartlessly chose to set it on fire in front of the child with another power that he acquired from a fellow sandwich maker in Tijuana: The power to start very small fires by rubbing his index finger against his amazingly prominent adams apple. He has so far only used this power for evil, and is expected to get his comeuppance from a slightly larger child flying an RC plane loaded with marbles.

Currently, Scott's interest have turned to corporate taxation. After discovering a black letter law outline in his library's basement, he became an avid fan of Anti-Avoidance provisions. He acquired a night job as a janitor at a local law school, and worked out the key to the accumualted earning tax one night while on the job. After mistakenly leaving the calculation on the white board, Professor Van Timberland discovered his existence as the night jannitor. He has since begun to see and befriend Van Timberland's nemesis, an amusing psychologist anmes Dr. Tiimerturle, to get to the bottom of his anger stemming from his Amish past, as well as his exploitation on Star Search. He is currently applying to various law schools, with his sights set on the wonderous northwest.

External links

Commercial Break: A Very Fun Game

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:55:41 CDT

(Note: For an explanation of why I am placing commercials in this story, please see “Further Explanations and Exaggerations” at the end of this story)

For several years, Right Stuff Interactive have been developing a game that they feel is good enough (and addicting enough) to get children out the backyard and in front of the TV where they belong. This month they will release Backyard Games for all major gaming devices.

Backyard Games is a collection of favorite outdoor pastimes. They went all out with this one, and included everything from popular games like tag, catch, and jump rope to more obscure games like poopy diaper keep-away and Bulgarian hopscotch.

Just in time for summer next year, Right Stuff Interactive has announced two more game titles will be released in the series: Swimming Pool Games and Lemonade Stand.

If you’re anything like me, and are lousy at real backyard games, then this is the game for you. Now you can master the video game, and at last beat all your friends. How cool is that?

Chapter Fifteen

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:52:31 CDT

Like I said: Endings Aren’t Always As Easy As They at First Appear

Oh come on! Do you really think I would be so mean that I’d just up and drop Jake off with authorities without a clue what would happen to him, and never think of him again? Oh—you do. Man, you must think I’m a bigger jerk than—well a bigger jerk than everyone.

I’m really not that bad. I’ll prove it. You know what I really did with Jake? I let him stay quite a bit longer than one night. Bet you didn’t see that coming—neither did I to be quite honest. The thing is, as mean as I am, my heart is pretty darn soft. As much as my mind said just leave him, my heart would not let me. He’d kind of grown on me, and I didn’t think he was quite the dweeb I once did—he just needed a friend, and on that note, so did I.

But wait, there’s more.

It wasn’t supposed to be permanent. Just a temporary fix until Jake’s real family came and got him. Honestly, I wasn’t at first happy with the arrangement, but at least it was mutual—Jake hated the idea too. But a funny thing happened as we searched for any long lost relatives. We grew on each other. By the time we discovered that there was not a single one of Jake’s relatives alive, it was a natural feeling for me to ask Jake if he would let me adopt him. And so that’s what I did.

It was his idea for me to write this book. He even gave me permission to refer to him as a nerd, because he thought it would give more sympathy to his character. He didn’t feel right telling the story, because he promised Gatsby that he wouldn’t (plus he was to young to write a book), and so he convinced me to do it for him. I wasn’t going to do it—no matter how much money they offered me. But Jake said to me, “they have a right for their story to be told.” And they did. They sat up there with their simple little lives, and nobody knew anything about them. People took books for granted without ever really appreciating where the books came from. They were people who gave up everything, and whose only joy in life came from eating peanut putter and telling stories. They had told enough stories in life…it was time for their story to be told. So I wrote it. The money part was nice though.

Not long before finishing their story I went up to the distribution center to talk with Gatsby one final time before turning things over the story to my editor. I asked him why they did do—why they didn’t buy televisions or cars or something with all that money they got. He told me there is only to things he needed to be happy: a book and peanut butter. He had both things, so he said that there was no need to go out and get more, because, as he put it, “the more you have the more you have to take care. The more you have to take care of the more stressed you’ll become. The more stressed you become the more unhappy you’ll be.” So if you want a moral lesson than I guess that’s it in a nutshell.

So I guess that’s it. That’s the story of the library tree. I know the story actually turned out to be about more than a tree, but that’s the way these things happen. Honestly, where would the story have been if it was just about a tree? How exciting is that? There was to be drama—suspense—and of course a little bit of action.

It’s been really fun telling you the tale…okay it’s actually been dreadful, but at least you were polite, so thank you for that. Perhaps we’ll meet again some day—although I hope it’s in the long, long future.

What’s that? You want to here what’s happened with Jake since he first saw the tree? And how about Ralph? What’s he been up to? That doesn’t really pertain to this story (at least the story as I want to tell it), but if you must know than read the “Further Explanations and Exaggerations” at the end of the story.

Now if you’d like to hear about me that’s a whole other story. To tell you the truth, I’m a bit disappointed if you want to know what happened to me: I wrote this book! What do you think happened? Oh—you mean besides that? Not a whole lot I’m afraid. I still am a librarian, although all the other librarians hate me. I know what you’re thinking, why don’t I quit with all that money I made? Simple, because of my library fine. I have a $154,000,000 library card fine that I simply can’t pay off with the money I made from this book. As long as I keep working as a librarian I don’t have to pay it off.

So there you have. Does that about some it up? Good. Off you go, then. I’m sure you have something better to read than this. Go on, I said—stop reading. This is ridiculous—you’re still here—still reading. Go!

I hate people who read the last paragraph of the last chapter of a book before starting it, so they know how it ends. If you’re one of these people, then this is for you: everybody dies.

The End

Commercial Break: Me!

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:51:13 CDT

This last commercial is something I wanted to advertise and my publisher almost did let me do. What? Me. A life size poster of me to be exact. Early next year you will be able to own your own “Me” poster to put in your bedroom to stare up each night. What better way to keep away people you don’t want away, then my frail and bitter figure? Standing at just over six feet tall, it promises to be the centerpiece of any room.

I know what you’re thinking…‘can I really afford a poster like that?’ Well, no—but you’re parents can. If they come up with some lame excuse like “Do you think money grows on trees” here’s what I want you to say, “Well books do…now buy me that poster. Now.” Only make sure your polite about it.

I know, I know, that’s not what you were thinking, but don’t fret I got that answer too—you want to know where you can buy a poster of me, right? Hardly anywhere, but don’t let that stop you from looking because you should be able to get them anywhere—it’s really too bad that you can’t get them anywhere.

Chapter Fourteen

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:50:10 CDT

Endings Aren’t Always As Easy As They at First Appear

And you thought there would be no more surprises. That I’d wrap this thing up without throwing anymore punches. Now don’t you feel silly?! Hey, now that I told you about the peanut butter, perhaps I have a few more surprises up my sleeve. Or perhaps not, but you never know.

Here’s another surprise—do your really think it’s that that simple to make a library tree? Peanut butter! My goodness—if only it were so simple. It’s not. Yeah, so that’s all the ingredients, but it takes more than ingredients to make a pie and more than peanut butter to make a tree. You know why? Oh come now—you’re teasing me—you must be. No? Really? You really, truly don’t know? I thought it was obvious.

It takes directions, of course.

Don’t fret. You’re not alone in your lack of knowledge—Jake was equally confused too, at first. This was what he was thinking when we left the distribution center.

Now I know, I know—left the distribution center. What about the goodbyes, what about the so longs, and hey, what about Ralph? Here’s the thing you need to know about that—I’m not into all that sappy stuff. I think it takes away from an otherwise decent story. I’m sorry if you don’t agree, but don’t worry—I’ve thought about your feelings and decided for the curious mind to include all the sappy stuff in the “Further Explanations and Exaggerations” at the end of the story.

So back to the story. As I was saying, before I had to explain myself to all those who wanted to see a sappy goodbye, Jake a question about the tree, “I have a question.” He softly said looking at the tree, which he had put in the back seat next to Ralph, who seemed unusually tired.

“You have lots of questions.” I sternly said.

He looked sadly down.

“Oh come on.” I said friendlier (yes I can be friendly—when forced) “I didn’t mean anything by it—what’s your question?”

“Well if librarians know what’s in the trees, then why don’t they just grow their own?”

“As if we haven’t tried.”

He looked confused.

“You have to put the right amount of everything in it and you have water it right—too much or too little water and it won’t grow.”

“Do you hate me?” Jake asked suddenly.

“Hates a strong word.”

“Why are you so mean all the time?”

“I’m not mean—why’s everyone say that?”

“Maybe because you are.”

“I’m not.”

“Are.”

“I admit I’m not exactly nice, but do you really think I’m mean.”

Jake nodded.

“I just don’t like people is all—I’m not a people person. I like to be left alone and not disturb.”

“Oh.”

I looked over at Jake, and felt sorry for him (there’s that compassion popping up again). He was starring sadly at his feet. I knew he was probably thinking about home, and I didn’t know what to say to cheer him up. “Do you have any family, then?” Is what came out.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen any of them—only my grandma.”

I nodded. “Well it’s too late to call the authorities to figure the whole thing out. How about if I let you stay at my house? Just for the night, and then in the morning we’ll figure out what to do next. How’s that sound?”

He seemed nervous. I realized in his fear that perhaps I had been mean to him. Like I said many chapters ago, I would change attitudes by the stories end.

“I promise I won’t try to kill you or anything,” I jokingly explained, “I’ll even let you keep Ralph in your room to protect you.”

Jake looked in the back seat where Ralph was staring at the tree quietly mumbling trivia facts about people who had successfully plotted revenge. “That’s not exactly comforting.”

I nodded. “No—no I suppose it’s not.” I thought a moment, “Well how ‘bout if I teach you a few gardening tricks to make sure the tree doesn’t die after it finishes blooming its books. Would that make you want to stay?”

He slowly nodded. “I guess so.”

So there you have—I’d say I’ve changed quite a bit from the beginning of the story. Perhaps I’m still a bit of a jerk, but at least I didn’t just leave Jake stranded on some street corner. But wait, there’s more. What you ask? Well keep reading already. We’re so close to the end (only one chapter) it would be silly to stop reading now. So what do you say? Don’t you want to finish this thing today? I’ll give you a hint of what’s in store for the final chapter: I had to be kind of nice to Jake for a reason—it would help me not feel so guilty when I drop him off with authorities and went about my business, and never thought of you Jake again.

Commercial Break: I Hate Because I Hate

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:48:48 CDT

Dolls and stuffed bears that have computerized chips programmed to really love you are all the rage. I predict, however, that soon the product advertised in this next commercial will replace it: The Teddy “I Hate You” Bear. This bear is the first digitalized stuffed animal programmed to actually hate a child, and boy does it hate.

I’m going to teach you a lesson that you need to know sooner or later, and your parents will probably rather not let you hear: you need an enemy. It helps relieve stress. And what better enemy than a silly harmless teddy bear?

It really is cute: flaming red eyes, that light up when they recognize your face, and a hissing voice that says, “I hate you,” and seems to mean it, too! Doesn’t it just sound absolutely wonderful?

Chapter Thirteen

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:47:01 CDT

We’re Nearing the End

It seems I am running low on temptation steam, and I am no longer able to sustain your interest without resorting to childish wobbly dabble. I suppose I can easily go on for chapters by hinting that perhaps that there is more to the secret. I’m not going to play this tune any longer. I’m tired of writing, and to be quite honest, I just want to get my paycheck and get on with my life.

Don’t worry—I’m not going to just end it without a few parting chapters. Or maybe you’re as sick of this book as I am and you’d like me to just end it. Is that the case? Well too bad—I’ve written too much to just end it like that. I need the conclusion even if you don’t—is that okay with you? Yeah. Good. If you’re so bored by it then why don’t you just leave? Go ahead leave…but if you do, then you’ll never know about the ninety-foot woman who swallowed Jake whole. I know, I know, I promised you—dearest reader—no more cheap tricks. I couldn’t help myself. I really don’t want you to leave. We’ve been together all of this time—can’t you just ride out a few crummy more chapters? I promise they won’t be that bad…perhaps even entertaining, and maybe not even crummy. And don’t you want to see what really happens to Jake? I was only kidding about the fifty foot woman who swallowed him whole…or was I?

Good I’m glad you decided to stick around. I’m not going to let you down now that I have your attention. Well I’ll try not to anyway…I make few promises and no guarantees.

Okay, then—to the story.

The setting is basically this: Gatsby and I are back at the library. Jake is intently reading a book. We are both looking on with pity, because we knew it was time to tell him that he had to go…yes you read that right—I had pity on him. I’m not that mean of a guy—just misunderstood is all.

“Jake.” Gatsby said sadly with his third eye closed.

Jake looked up and politely said, “Yes.”

“It’s about time to leave, I’m afraid.”

Jake looked sadly down and softly said, “Leave? But I like it here.” He looked up hopefully and asked, “Can’t I stay just a bit longer?”

I felt pity for the kid. If you saw the face that Jake had given, you would have felt pity too. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he didn’t want to go home because he was happy being by himself. I may not have been smart enough to realize that Jake had issues, but now that I realized he had issues I was smart enough to be able to recognize them—I just needed a little bit of help is all.

Gatsby nodded no. “It’s getting late—you made a wonderful guest and we’d like you to come again, but you need to get home. You have school tomorrow.”

Jake nodded sadly, put down the book he had been reading and stood.

“Your librarian will drive you back and make sure you have a place to stay.”

I smiled and nodded.

“A place to stay? I have one.”

“A boy can’t just live by himself.”

“But I like it there.” He protested.

“Do you really like it?”

Jake looked up at him and saw the third eye staring him down. He knew he couldn’t lie because the eye would recognize it as a lie and would not allow it. “It isn’t so bad all the time.”

“Then why are you always at the library?”

Jake shrugged.

Gatsby looked at him closely with this third eye, nodded, and then said, “That’s what I thought.”

“I don’t want to go live with some stranger.”

Gatsby nodded. “I know it’s tough, but your librarian is going to make sure you get a real nice home.

“Him?” He said, then laughed, “Why would he care where I went.”

“I care.” I argued, “Got to make sure I keep my number one patron happy.”

“I know you don’t want to do it,” Gatsby said understandability, “But I want you to do it for me.

It will be hard at first, but I guarantee you’ll like your new home.” He winked his third eye at him and admitted with a smile, “I have an eye for it.”

“Fine.” He mumbled.

“There is one other thing.” Gatsby said.

Jake looked up curiously.

“I’ve handpicked a library tree for you to take home—one for your very own.”

“Really?”

“But you have to promise to still come everyday to the library.” I said, “Librarians may seem grumpy, but without people like you checking out books everyday, then I’d be out of a job.”

Before we left, Gatsby asked him, “You want to know what the secret ingredient in the tree is?”

He nodded excitedly.

“Peanut butter.”

Commercial Break: A Body Piecing I Can Live With

ScottDouglas — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:44:44 CDT

You kids are absolutely disgusting—you and all your body piercing—absolutely disgusting. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw someone with their naval pierced, and then their tongue, and now it’s everywhere. I saw someone just the other day with a piercing in their neck! How do they even do that? Wait don’t tell me…I don’t want to know.

Finally, however, I have seen a piercing that is at least tasteful, and I have agreed to advertise it here. I hope beyond hope if you have to pierce something you will consider this: fingernail piercing. It’s just a harmless, innocent place to put a piercing. I bet it doesn’t even hurt. And it makes your nails look so pretty.

I don’t recommend doing this, but I imaging you could even do yourself with a standard whole puncher. Just make sure the nails at least twelve inches long—that way if you mess up, you can just file it down a bit and try again.